3 MINUTES

What is said about the meal that is bad but you enjoy? The way things unfold is definitely not the way you plan them to. I have had this experience ONCE but it was awakened recently. It started with 3 minutes but now it looks like a long time (not forever). Despite my efforts to resist, the desire persists. I am eager to close from work because that is the time to resume my new habit. I don’t talk about my day but the conversations are worthwhile. And the music – have I mentioned the songs? They serve as my mode of expression in this moment. I can’t find the right words to explain this feeling, one thing I am sure of is the feelings won’t last forever so I will bask in the euphoria now until it fades away.

Typing this entry is a rough expression of my feelings. I am documenting this moment because I don’t want to forget about it. I would be clear with my typing when I can place this feeling. Until then…

With Love,

Ruby!

My Love!

I lost my love trying to save it. I lost the one I wanted just because I was needy. I was trying to protect the one I love but unknowingly pushed my love outside. People tell you how sweet it is to love but never tell you the pain that comes from losing that love. I have never been in a position to love wholly and when the opportunity came, I embraced it without a second thought. People say lovers quarrel but make up quickly but, when my love and I quarreled, it tore us apart. There was a great drift in the longing for each other. Love forgives right? I didn’t get it from my love, instead, all wrongs were held against me. I held on to lost love for so long that I bruised my palms. I held on to broken promises for so long that I broke my heart daily. I held on to hopes for so long that I crumbled at the thought of us separating.

I did learn lessons that I will apply in my next relationship. I learned that whatever will be will be and you can’t force something that has died. I learned that whatever grace you are extending, make sure same grace can be extended to you because what you forgive may not be forgiven if tables turn. I learned that forgiveness takes time from someone who doesn’t love you, but when you are truly loved, forgiveness is a breeze. I learned that once you lie, you will always be looked at as a liar and nothing you say will ever be the truth as long as you have lied before.

I took a hard step, made the hardest decision to let go because the pain of holding on is worse than the pain of letting go. I know that I will never put myself in such a place again where I would be hurting because of love. If it isn’t feeding my soul, I would let ir go. I have never been a lover girl but for my love, I was and more. I never lost myself with my love, I just found a different version of myself I never thought I was capable of.

Let me tell you about my love, he was the most gentle, loving, and caring soul. He did any and every thing to see me happy. I was number one till I wasn’t. I was his love till I wasn’t. We had our good times, our bad times, and our worst times which broke us. We never stayed apart more than 4days except when he is outside the country. I thought he was going to be the father of my unborn children and my forever love. My love was obsessed about me as I him. People thought we had jazzed each other. But with most good times, there is an end. The burning love fire died. I tried to ignite it but it never picked the fire, guess the wick was wet with all the problems we could think of.

I do not regret being in love or being with my love. I loved every bit of it and really wished it lasted. I wish my love all the best, to find a love so true, free from lies and troubles, free from the wetness of our wick and rich in laughter.

Goodbye my love.

ADDICTED!

Hey Siri, play me ‘if you leave by Young Jonn’

I never thought I would be in a position to get addicted to anything other than caffeine. Look at me barely breathing because of a mortal. The time is 00:00 and I am wondering why our last conversation was at 23:59, I was lost in thought but you actually typed back a reply.

How did I get so addicted? It was the constant communication, the weekends we spent together, the video calls we made, and the holidays we went on together. It was the never-ending attention I received from him, the reassurance when I had doubts about us, and our future plans together.

I tried to push him away, but the harder I tried, the harder the bond grew. The promises were larger, the holidays together were longer and the weekends were more. Life is so easy with him and the goofiness surrounding our lives. I hope this is not going to be one of my many stories.

Now I don’t know what to do with myself as it looks like I have fallen beyond reasonable doubt and it aches my soul knowing that you may never be mine.

SOMETIMES

Sometimes…

I wonder if I will get everything I dream of.

I wonder if I will truly be happy.

I wonder if all these are worth it.

I wonder if I could rest and forget about this world with its strife…

Love Languages

Different people have ideologies on how to treat a partner. I have been conflicted on this but using myself as a point of reference, I don’t think using one’s love language for another person is the right way to go about it. Let’s say my top love language is gifting, and my partners’ own is words of affirmation, do you think if my partner affirms words to me I would be satisfied? or do you think if I start gifting my partner, he would be satisfied in the relationship?

I mean I have left people because they weren’t communicating my feelings with my love languages and it made me loathe them on the premise of them being wicked to me. No, I won’t rekindle relationships with them because they would repeat the same thing over again. I have clearly seen relationships bloom because the couple knew what their partner needs at given periods of time. The only time it is valid to use your love language is NEVER, don’t assume, ASK!

The 5 Love Languages: Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, and Physical Touch.

So please, do not use your love language for your partner except you have a similar hierarchy of love languages.

To check out your love language in the way they matter to you, here is a link: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

You can also get copies of Gary Chapman’s book; The 5 Love Languages (Singles edition, The Secret to Love that Lasts, and For Men).

Torn

When would she leave? I bellowed. Kraft is my married boyfriend who has promised to make his wife leave for me for the past 4years despite the two children between us. Kraft had started stammering and avoiding me for the past 3days. It was from one story to another and it is not like his wife bore him more than a child I am ready to take as my son. I mean why won’t I want Kraft all to myself? This man has been there for me, showing me excessive love, fucking me so good, and providing for ALL my needs. I earn enough from my job as his PA and also have extra perks *wink.

How did we start? You ask… I had just finished my University degree in the United Kingdom and was in Nigeria for the compulsory service year (blame my political father *eye-roll) when I met Kraft at Black Bell restaurant one hot afternoon while I was getting food for myself. He paid for my meal and we proceeded to exchange numbers. We spoke on the phone briefly that night and we decided to plan a date. The date was good but it was revealed that he is a married man and a father, so that ended what never started.

I decided to forge ahead and keep my distance from him (because of the famous cliche ‘I’ll never be with a married man’ mantra). 1 year down the line, my phone screen brighten and I saw a message from Kraft, he was checking in on me and how my service year was, and I had tales to share, we decided to hang out at the bar to catch up with our lives as ‘friends’. That night changed everything. We got drinks and food, I got a new job as his PA, and decided to club with his friends and my best friend. After the club, we decided to make it a weekend getaway as he said his wife was away with her parents and he was going to be bored.

From the weekend getaway to destination travels, business travels, and eventually, I became his girlfriend. Trust me I was very pleased with it as I had no definite obligation to be the perfect woman to get validated for marriage by someone’s mother. I wasn’t disturbed by mundane things, I mean I was at peace. The money, the getaways, the gifts, the sex… everything was mind-blowing. 1year down the line, we decided to get pregnant because he was so sure he wanted me now and would leave his wife but needed a reason to. He wanted his infidelity with ‘evidence’ to be known so his wife would file for a divorce and we would live together happily.

We put this plan in motion, the wife got a wind of the relationship and our first child but refused to leave him. 3years later, we became pregnant AGAIN! and he was still promising me this divorce to be with me.

Nothing has changed from his end, he is still as consistent as he was from the beginning. The wife even checks up on me and my children (the audacity). I really want to be the only one in his life, I want her out of the picture. Am I going to be the other woman for life? I am so torn and heavy-hearted. KRAFT!!!

This is the 4th year, I want to get married Kraft, I want to be MRS!

LOST

I feel a little lost whenever I am left alone with my own thoughts. I never found a way to navigate this feeling without being drained afterward. I really do wish that I could get a permanent distraction. One that would leave me with no space to dwell on my lonely thoughts.

BURIED!

Muffled screams at 05:30am when she tries to get ready for work. This has been the routine since I can remember, as far back as I was in my mother’s womb as told by my aunt Laura. In her words, I don’t know why your mother doesn’t want to leave your abusive father, is it until she loses her life?

My parents have been married for 20 years. A milestone right? She has survived a series of abusive episodes, and she underwent surgery to repair her thigh bones as he had dislocated them with a firm kick. My mother has lost 4 pregnancies along with her womb.

Now he has stopped being physical, he is now emotionally abusive which is worse in this case as my mother cries herself to sleep daily. I hear her sobs, I feel her pain, and I can see the heaviness in her smiles. When would all these end? I heard her say to herself mid sobs one night.

I was determined to help my mother out of that situation and I didn’t know how to go about it. Anyways, today is my father’s burial and I hope he rots in hell till the very end.

Love,

Ruby xx.

SEASONS

When you said ‘I love you’, I asked ‘for how long?’…

It hit you deep, I saw your eyes widen, I saw your smile fade. I felt something in you break, but am I to be blamed? Tell me why I should take the blame when the love I have experienced outside my family is conditional and seasonal.

The first time you uttered that sentence, it was after we had a round of hot steamy sex, where our sweats mixed, and our breath was hot against each other. I felt my stomach tighten and I went pink with embarrassment. I was thinking, why did he say it now? was the sex that good?

The second time you said the sentence was after I made you your favorite meal of native soup and a mountain of pounded yam. You told me I made it just like your mother did, and you would do everything to have me alone to yourself. I wondered again, why you had to say it because of a bare meal?

Another time you said you love me and want me to bear you children, one that’ll look like you with my facial features and one that’ll look like me with your facial features. I found this cute and I started having dreams of our mini family.

So I think to myself if you love me because I can fuck you without remorse, make healthy meals, have the ability to bring forth a new life, keep your company, or that you love me regardless of all these. Because in actuality, if all these don’t happen or they cease to continue, would you love me less? or would you love me no more?

Love,

Ruby xx.

INTENTIONALITY

I was a depressed little being for years, but I was too scared to admit that. Depression has been frowned upon from where I originated from. They see it as a means the ‘devil’ is using to get to the children of God. Depression isn’t something that one picks like a habit, it is something that lingers around for a while before swallowing the person it comes for.

I should have a penny for every time I hear you’re just sad and not depressed, people refused to understand that depression is a heavy cloak that is worn around the neck. It comes from NOTHING and consumes EVERYTHING! I usually feel so overwhelmed when an episode starts, and this is something I thought I had overcome.

How did I think I had overcome it? Oh, the same old way. Being closer to God, talking more about an episode with people I trust, and try not to get overwhelmed. These things are a temporary fix if you ask me. I made a new habit of crying when I felt so burdened, but it only made matters worse. I also contemplated self-harming but I couldn’t bring myself to it because the episode would end and the scars would remain which would show I couldn’t be strong for myself.

I can’t wait to go back to being the happy-go-lucky individual I am perceived to be.

With love and blurry vision… Snickers.